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Forgive Me Not

I have been taking a course through church on forgiveness. As the class is currently coming to a close, I have found myself largely as a hesitant observer. I am sincerely interested in the topic but doubtful on whether revealing my own personal bouts and challenges with forgiveness will prove helpful with my struggles. It still remains quite difficult for me to forgive others as there are unresolved issues on the end of those who have not forgiven me.

The term “hurt people, hurt people” has been reiterated several times throughout the ongoing sessions and I am one of them; although would not openly admit it within the confines of the group. Again, I have taken the role of observer and have chosen to digest and be witness to the other women in the group who are sharing their painful stories of their difficulties with forgiveness.

Because of the hurt experienced through people not offering forgiveness on my misgivings, I’ve sealed my heart off to others; hence causing further hurt and leaving several matters unresolved.

Years ago I wrote a play called “Apologies Are For the Living”, which deals with one family’s path to redemption despite one man’s careless choice. It was written with my own personal battles in mind regarding relationships where forgiveness was needed and necessary, but never came. It asks, “Can forgiveness ever be too late?” And the play answers this question by saying, “Yes, in death; forgive now.”

I am finding that being transparent in this area of my life has proved to be exceedingly difficult. By revealing how I've hurt others it forces me to relive the pain I've caused. It is a reminder of my faults and how I've taken little to no action to address situations that have caused the severing of several relationships.

Recently, I called the individual whom my 'Apologies' play was influenced, and received no response despite leaving a message requesting an opportunity to talk.

It has been over 20 years since we've spoken. All I can do at this point is to pray and wait, trusting that when/if she calls, I will be given the wisdom to speak the right words and offer a humble spirit.

It's a hard reality, but one I live with daily.

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